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Since my return to Arkansas in August of 2007 I’ve been slowly collecting a medicine cabinet full of daily preventatives. As a person who historically hasn’t been one for medication, I’ve developed a theory. Women keep drug companies in business. Let’s start from the top:

75mg generic “Acid Reducer”, Walmart’s version of Prilosec – originally prescribed by my mother upon my return to the state from grad school. I carry my stress in my stomach and my teeth. My stomach burns and I grind my teeth when in really stressful situations. My mother decided that the large bottle of Tums I took weekly wasn’t the answer and got me on these. Daily dose 1.

Super B complex – originally prescribed by my then-girlfriend, FMT about a year into my new career. I was feeling generally run down, possibly from the entire life swap from night owl creative to 6:30am corporate ad guy… or trading bar hopping for lawn work… or was it the smoking, at this point, who knows but the fact remains, I was much to young to feel this damned old. Enter the Super-B complex. Choke down with food and milk to avoid upset stomach and spazmatic vomitus. Side effects may vary by specimen but generally include odd aftertaste and neon urine that glows under black light. Daily dose 2.

Chantix – originally prescribed by my doctor, imagine that… and did I mention she’s a woman? In response to the slowly growing medicine regimen, I started to look for the source of my woes. Smoking causes heartburn and robs you of energy. Quit that and maybe I’m good to go. After many attempts over several years to quit on my own I figured, hey, what’s one more pill to take for a month? What can in hurt? My insurance even covered it. And speaking of upset stomach, click the “Chantix” keyword in the cloud to the right and read all about it. The good news is that it works… well. Daily dose 3.

Amoxicillin – originally prescribed by my dentist, not a woman but FMT made me go so this one is on her as well. So a tooth I broke in grad school, read “grind my teeth” above, decided to try to kill me last weekend in Las Vegas. Bright and early on Monday of this week FMT set up an appointment at her dentist for that afternoon. She’s nothing if not efficient. Before any work could be done on the tooth, they had to kill the infection under/inside (?) it. Now I’m on Amoxicillin three times a day but as with Chantix, there’s an end date in sight for this one as well. Daily dose 4.

They’re pulling the tooth next Thursday, at which point I’m expecting another daily. Look for updates on that. I’ve also run through a few scripts for pulled muscles, illness, persistent cough, etc. I’m not saying they don’t work its just a little weird. I haven’t taken more than a Tums and an Aspirin in upwards of 10 years and now I feel like I need one of those pill boxes like my grandmother keeps in her purse with the days of the week on it.